Forgiveness and Self-respect　　It

Forgiveness and Self-respect　　It isn’t always easy to forgive someone who has wrongfully harmed us. In fact, we are often very reluctant to forgive. Simon Wiesenthal’s book, The Sunflower, presents an interesting case study that illustrates this point. A critically injured Nazi soldier recognizes the magnitude（数量；程度）of his own wrongdoing and seeks forgiveness from a Jewish person so that he can die in peace. He calls a Jewish inmate of a concentration camp（presumably Wiesenthal） into his hospital room, expresses his anguish（痛苦） and repentance（悔悟）, and begs for forgiveness. The Jewish man leaves the room without a word, and later struggles with the question of whether he should have forgiven the soldier. Likewise, we find some survivors of serious childhood abuse reluctant to forgive the perpetrators （犯罪；犯错）of their abuse, once they recognize what has happened to them and how profoundly it has affected their lives. Some therapists argue on their behalf that certain crimes may be unforgivable, and that survivors of this type of abuse need not forgive.　　What accounts for our reluctance to forgive? Probably a number of factors, but here I want to focus on the factor of self-respect. Any person who wrongfully harms another fails to show sufficient respect for the person he has harmed. Implicit in the act of wrongdoing, then, is the claim that the victim does not deserve a full measure of respect. The Nazi soldier in The Sunflower helped to burn an entire village of Jews alive, and in doing so, he failed to respect the intrinsic worth of the Jewish people. He failed to recognize them as valuable human beings with a moral status equal to his own. And parents who abuse their children fail to respect them as valuable persons and as the bearers of basic human rights. They fail to respect their children’s feelings, and their profound need for a safe and supportive environment. I think many of us believe that if we forgive an offender who is guilty of serious crimes against us（especially an unrepentant offender）, we are essentially agreeing with the claim that we do not deserve a full measure of respect. In effect, we are saying “That’s OK –it doesn’t matter that you mistreated me. I’m not that important.” If this is the case, then our reluctance to forgive may be the result of a healthy desire to maintain our own self-respect.　　Although the desire to maintain our self-respect is certainly important to honor, I believe that it need not lead to a refusal to forgive. In fact I believe that if we truly respect ourselves, we will work through a process of responding to the wrong, and this process will lead to genuine forgiveness of the offender. If we attempt to forgive the offender before we do this work, our forgiveness may well be incompatible with our self-respect. However, once this process is complete, it will be fully appropriate for the self-respecting individual to forgive the offender, regardless of whether the offender repents and regardless of what he has done or suffered.　　Consider a person who has been seriously wronged. Let’s call this person Simon. After he has been harmed, if Simon respects himself, he will stop and establish for himself that the wrongdoer’s implicit claim about him is false. He will recognize that he is a valuable human being with a moral status equal to everyone else’s, and that he deserves a full measure of respect. At the same time, he will establish for himself that the act perpetrated against him was wrong. He will recognize that in virtue of his status as a person he has certain rights, and anyone who violates those rights wrongfully harms him. （If Simon attempts to forgive the offender before he recognizes these points, his forgiveness will be incompatible with his self-respect. It will also not be genuine forgiveness. It will amount to condoning （宽恕） the wrong rather than truly forgiving the offender for it.）Further, if Simon respects himself, he will acknowledge his grief and anger about the incident, and he will allow himself to experience them in full. He will not discount his own feelings or pretend they don’t exist in an attempt to forgive. Instead he will honor his feelings as important and legitimate. If Simon respects himself, he will also look realistically at the offender’s attitudes and behavior patterns. He will consider what steps he needs to take to protect himself from the offender and whether he wants to redefine his personal relationship with him （if such a relationship exists）. Simon’s self-respect will lead him to honor his own needs for protection and rewarding personal relationships. Finally, if Simon respects himself he will make a thoughtful decision about whether he wants to confront the offender, seek restitution, or press criminal charges. And he will do so with a full appreciation of his own status as a person.　　Thus self-respect leads us to take certain steps to address the wrong that was perpetrated against us. And these steps pave the way for genuine forgiveness of the offender. As we work through the process described above, it is necessary to look at the incident from our own point of view. We must recognize that the wrongdoer was mistaken about our worth and status as a person, that we felt intense grief and anger about the incident, that we are owed restitution, etc. When we look at the incident from this point of view, we naturally feel resentment towards the wrongdoer. However, once this process is complete, we have done what we need to do for ourselves. Without compromising our self-respect, we can now let go of our egocentric（利己的）perspective on the incident and look at it from a more objective point of view. We can recognize that the offender is a valuable human being like ourselves, who struggles with the same needs, pressures, and confusions that we struggle with. We can think about his circumstances and come to understand why he did what he did. In doing so, we will recognize that the incident really may not have been about us in the first place. Instead it was about the wrongdoer’s misguided attempt to meet his own needs. As we regard the offender from this point of view （regardless of whether he repents and regardless of what he has done or suffered）, we will be in a position to forgive him.　　By forgiving the offender at this point, are we agreeing with his implicit claim that we don’t deserve a full measure of respect? Clearly not. Consider Simon again. Having completed the process of responding to the wrong, he knows that he is valuable and deserves to be treated well. Further, if he respects himself he will trust his own judgment and be secure in his knowledge of these truths, regardless of what the wrongdoer says or does. He will not need to engage in a power struggle to get the offender to acknowledge his worth. As an individual who respects himself, he does not need this kind of external validation. Instead he will recognize the wrongdoer's confusion for what it is, put it in proper perspective, and go on to more worthwhile pursuits.Thus true self-respect leads to genuine forgiveness of the offender. As we act out of self-respect, our self-respect increases. Therefore every step we take towards forgiveness should increase our self-respect. Our self-respect also will increase after we reach a state of genuine forgiveness. Speaking from my own experience in forgiving my alcoholic father for serious childhood abuse, enormous benefits result from reaching a state of genuine forgiveness. By letting go of my grief and resentment, I opened up space for a whole range of positive emotions（joy, excitement, love, gratitude）, which I now experience on a regular basis. I also have a sense of peace concerning the incidents of abuse. They are truly over for me and no longer ride on my mind. This sense of peace is very valuable in itself, and it also allows me to focus on my own positive pursuits. Increased self-esteem is the inevitable consequence of feeling good and being able to devote all of my attention to the positive aspects of my life——my goals, interests, etc. Further, the process of forgiving has been very empowering. I have a deeper understanding of human nature and feel much less threatened by the wrongful attitudes and behaviors of others. I also have gained an ability to detach from other people' opinions and to trust my own judgment. Finally, forgiveness has brought me the great reward of feeling unadulterated love for my father. These kinds of benefits are available to all of us. They promote self-respect and they are surely worth seeking.Decide the answer that best that best completes the following statements according to the in formation provided in the text.2. According to this short essay, our forgiveness may well be in conflict with our self-respect if（ ）.
A、we are ready to deny forgiveness for the sake of our self-respect
B、we can forgive the wrongdoer regardless of the self-respect
C、we forgive the wrongdoer before we put the wrong in perspective
D、we forgive the wrongdoer as the result of our effort to put the wrong in perspective
【正确答案】：C
【题目解析】：P219